Moving on

I go through this phase of nostalgia and experience feelings of wanting to hold on each time a story comes to an end. We don't want a story to end -- at least I usually don't, more so if it's a good story. We get comfortable too easily, and in that process somehow we resist change. However, it is good to remind ourselves every now and then that we are very adaptable. God has created man with strength and endurance in mind. We can persevere through the four seasons, icy tundra, sweltering desert, oxygen-deprived mountains and even survive the depths of the ocean. Mind over matter. As long as you put your mind to it. With that, I moved on.

It is liberating to know that you have complete control over your future. This freedom is intoxicating. It is like an addictive drug that I can't get enough of. The possibilities that have seemed out of reach are now endless, and ready for me to seize and claim for my own.

And just as quickly as lightning strikes, I met him. Well, we were great friends already, sharing much in common and a solid bond. I enjoyed his company very much, but it was never more than platonic friendship. His quiet, shy, unassuming demeanor complements my bold, opinionated nature and we clicked very well. We hung out a lot more after my breakup; I needed company to take my mind off the past and he was perfect, having experienced heartbreak and understanding how I felt. He was kind and empathetic, and I could truly be myself around him. There was no need to impress him, I could cry and sob all I wanted and he wouldn't judge me for that, our bond was that strong.

Yet I never imagined that I could experience those moments again. Fluttering heartbeats, butterflies in my tummy, self consciousness and giddily looking forward to meeting this special someone. He makes me feel different -- like a younger version of me; more carefree, buoyant and bubbly. And all of a sudden, it occurred to me that happiness could be so simple. His optimism, ready smile and infectious jokes cheer me up over and over again, and mere thoughts of him plastered goofy smiles on my face. Even before the chemistry, I recall thoroughly enjoying our conversations, which could broach subjects from analyzing people to music. Like a cat being offered milk, his compassionate and kind nature, understanding and tact (so rare in boys these days!) drew me in. I was charmed by his slight awkwardness, like lines not too well-rehearsed, the rawness of our conversations are both stimulating and endearing.

The first time we held hands, that's a memory I want seared to the back of my mind. Flustered and uncoordinated, palms cold out of nervousness; it probably will not rank among romantic beginnings. But for me, it was perfect. I want to remember our awkwardness and how new we were to each other. Being friends before entering a relationship is a different experience altogether, it seems like you already know so much about that person, but being aware that there is still so much more to discover. It'll be an unforgettable adventure, it'll take practice and getting used to, and I absolutely can't wait to embark on this brand new journey with my newfound sunshine :)

Thank you for the journey

Six years is a long time to be with someone. You learn a lot about that person, growing together, accompanying each other through life's milestones. But sometimes, despite our best efforts, things sour up. Circumstances change. People change. Like a caged animal, the limits of the metal bars are claustrophobic, it restrains and drains one emotionally. When the pieces left from a relationship consist of resentment, frustration, unmet expectations; the deep scars etched in the depths of our beings spell no turning back. Hence that chapter of my life came to an end.

I am still doing plenty of soul searching. There is a strong need in me to explore more, discover the depths and layers to myself and learn more about my desires in life, what fulfills me, what gives me happiness and how I can deal with and manage my rising expectations. It would probably be easier to label myself selfish, and we can do that. Truth is, I can't see myself settling down right now. I don't settle. I always up my game. I want more, need more and until I break through the glass ceiling that spells out my limitations and dictates that I am not enough, I will not be contented.

Pursuing something that is well past its due will only leave us broken and lost. Thank you for the journey, but this is for me. I need this for my sanity, to feed the hunger in my soul. I hope someday you can understand, the ambition and drive within me can't be tempered. Its embers will always glow, waiting, waiting for that right moment for the wind to blow it into a roaring blaze.